What was I thinking?

Ive been thinking a lot about a career change. As a junior in high school I chose Physicians Assistant as my future occupation. I did this because I wanted a career that was stable where I'd never have to worry about not getting a job or not having enough money.  To achieve this I would pursue an undergraduate degree in Nursing, work for awhile to gain some experience and then apply for PA graduate school. I think this life plan was a mistake. At the time I understood very little about what it meant to work a full time job. I didn't understand that I would be spending most of my time over the next 30-40 years working in whatever occupation I had chosen so I really gave no though as to if I would enjoy life as an RN or PA.

Once I had explained my plans to my family, they were so proud of me. They responded with comments like "you made a great decision, I cant think of a better profession", "you will always be marketable in the work field" or "your future is looking so bright, we have high expectations for you" and so on. Because I had such support in my decision to become a nurse, I never gave much thought to my other options. So all through college I stayed on track and graduated with my Bachelors of Science in Nursing. I remember having doubts about nursing during my classes and even after graduation but at the time I attributed it to jitters and nervousness. After graduation I landed a job and worked for almost a year,with minimal satisfaction, until my decision to leave Kansas. I have reluctantly accepted a nursing position here in my new home (I'll try not to complain to much). This time it will be different, I will try approach this position in the most positive light. Second, I'll be taking the initiative this time to keep looking for other career possibilities for my future.

One word of advise: Don't listen to anyone but yourself when it comes to your career choice. If you have made a decision that doesn't feel right anymore, change it. Do what you want to do, and have a profession that makes you happy.

Trying to Improve

Yesterday I took the VIA Character Strengths Test in order to help me assess my highest and lowest ranked traits. Yesterday's post focused on the good news, my strengths, today's will focus on the traits that need to be worked on. In italics I have added in my suggestions on how to improve in my weakest areas, with hard work and perseverance, I know I can:

1. Spirituality: You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you. I am in no way a religious or spiritual person and I definitely have no idea where I fit into the larger scheme. Meditation/self-reflection would be my way of enriching my beliefs. Self-reflection is part of my over all goal with this site, so I think my purpose will come as long as I take the time each day to post or write about things that bring self improvement or about things I find interesting.
2.  Hope
   You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control. This survey is very good... I feel lost in my life, and have developed quite the pessimistic attitude toward both the present and the future. My thought process is this: if I don't like how things have turned out so far, then who's to say that in the future I wont feel the same or make the same mistakes. This site is helping, I am taking a step in the right direction and examining my life! Finding my interests and spending more of my life following those goals will lead to a more aligned existence with a bright outlook on the future.
3.  Bravery
   You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions. This is the opposite of my strengths (judgment and prudence). Because I am so analytical I over think every situation and its potential outcome. I have no spontaneity or courage to just go for something I want to do because I talk myself out of it by saying its not the "smart choice". I need to grow a backbone, do what I want, say what I want and BE WHO I WANT!
4.  Zest
   Regardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure. From the bottom of my heart I wish this were true. On the outside I give the impression that I'm giving 100% but lets face it I find little enjoyment in how Ive been living. Because I'm not really living, I go day to day completing the same mundane tasks. Breaking the routine and approaching life in a positive light will foster excitement. With a little bravery and hope added to shake things up a bit, I'm going to try to expand my horizons, try new things and be optimistic.
5.  Love of learning
   You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn. This used to be one of my strengths when I was younger, always curious about the possibilities for the future. But lately that area of myself has grown dark, I think this is because I haven't been learning the right things. I am a recent graduate into a medical profession, so for the last several years it was very straightforward what I should be learning. That kind of structure did not help me grow, it pinholed my time and energy into learning about subjects that frankly don't think I give a damn about! I have to look for my interests and discover where my heart truly lies, then I will find subjects that I find fascinating and will again have my love for learning

.

Character Strengths

Today I decided to look a little deeper into my character, character, define by webster, is the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person. These traits are what drive our thoughts and actions. Forming lifestyle and profession choice around personal strengths increaces the potential for happiness and success.
I find self-observation hard at times because instead of being objective, I often over analyze aspects of myself and end up with skewed results. So I used the handy VIA Character Strengths Test to help me assess my own personal strengths. I have listed below my highest ranking traits, the test's definition of each strength and my own notes on each in italics. I will also create another post to address my lowest ranked traits. It's a long test, about 240 questions, so takes a little time but I found it to be very thorough and the results it gave were quite insightful.

My highest ranking character strengths according to VIA:

1. Judgment: Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind. This is truly me in a nutshell, I think and think and think about everything, weighing pros and cons before every decision. I'm glad this is one of my strengths, it was kept me out of trouble and safe for a long time. It has helped be very successful in many aspects of life because I am able to analyze and think critically about the potential outcomes.
2.  Perseverance: You work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks. I enjoy when a task has been completed, there's a satisfaction in being able to say "I did that".
3. Honesty: You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person. There are two parts to this definition: one is me and one I'm working on. In terms of outward expression I believe that I am an honest person. I tell people the truth (sometimes sugar coated) whenever approached, I talk to people in a "no frills" way and give them well-grounded, realistic answers. However, I do not think I am very honest with myself. I don't feel as though I am "living in a genuine and authentic way", historically the choices I have made are not true to myself, they are analyzed choices that I thought would make others happy. I am actively working on becoming more true to myself.
4. Prudence:You are a careful person, and your choices are consistently prudent ones. You do not say or do things that you might later regret. I believe that this strength is linked closely to my #1 Judgment. My cautious choices come after heavy thinking. This does however lead to a lack of spontaneity.
5.  Leadership: You excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen. Many times in my life I have assumed the leadership role, it is a stressful but very enjoyable one. I get excited by leadership because many of my thoughts/opinions are able to be voiced while still learning from the group. As stated in #3, I am very task oriented and as the leader of an operation I am able to oversee the project and ensure it gets completed in accordance with my high standards. 

With my objective to explore live and discover my purpose, character strengths should act as a guide and compass to lead me into endeavors that I will find enjoyable and fulfilling.

Anger

I have noticed myself flying off the handle over small and insignificant issues lately. Unfortunately it seems more often than not instead of letting a problem roll of my shoulders, I fuss and smolder over it. My reactions are often childish and I don't like how I have handled many issues in the past so I must find steps to help me change them in the future.

Here's an example, recently I moved 16 hours away from home to what I would call a big city. This is the first time I have ever lived outside of my midsized Midwest hometown. My boyfriend and I were out exploring our new surrounding. We parked the car and went to have dinner. After a fantastic meal and a wonderful evening, we returned to the car and BAM there it was shoved under my wiper-blade.

I was furious and immediately snapped off " you were the one driving, why didn't you pay attention to the fact that this was a pay lot!?!" It was wrong to go off like that, I know. But it just happened. There are many subconscious thoughts and emotions that anger can stem from. The one that most often fuels my fire is my worry that I will be blamed. Because I'm questioning so many aspects of my life these days I already feel super insecure and so for me it's easier to divert the fault onto something or someone else so that the finger cant be pointed at me. So today I'm examining ways to deal with future situations that tick me off:

1. As cliche as it sounds, take the time to count to three before I say anything. This will give me time to evaluate and think of a response rather than just spewing my initial reaction. 
2. Stop trying to control everything (this is a big one for me). Don't let things you cant change linger in your thoughts. I got the parking ticket and there is nothing I can do about it now. So quit your bitchin!
3. Remember that in the scheme of things whatever is going on probably isn't that big of a deal. My life isn't over and I'm not going bankrupt because of one silly ticket. 
4. Here's the kicker, use the event to learn and grow. I know now, as well I should of before, that I live in a big city, nothing is free, not even parking.. In the future I will try to be more observant and then maybe I'll notice the sign that says $5 PARKING. 

So my advise to myself is to take a chill pill and try, really try, to take these steps and implement them into life. It will make thing much better.  

Living the examined life

Socrates, often referred to as the father of Western Philosophy, once said that "the unexamined life is not worth living." Well what in the world is an "examined life" and how can an idea created before 400BC be relevant to a modern day twenty-something girl in search of her own voice and purpose? I have found the answer to that question is simple. I cant sit around waiting for happiness to fall into my lap! Instead I must look hard, dig deep and hunt for what it means to be myself!

As a child we start as raw dough, we are unique individuals and have few inhibitions. As we age, external pressures stretch, pull, fold and wrap us into nice and tidy bundles that fit perfectly into society's mold of who we are "supposed" to be.

At this point in my life I feel as though my true self is buried under what I thought I should be and what I thought others wanted me to be. So I have decided to go looking for myself by trying to live the examined life. It will be hard to become more self aware but to start I must determine my true interests, thoughts and values. This site will serve as my anonymous platform where I can post or write about anything I find intriguing and hopefully with a lot of elbow grease and time, I will be able to discover my passions and learn to live life as I want it to be.