Focus

I have not been living up to my goal. Priority number one was to really dive deep into self reflection and live a more purposeful life. I have been slacking, I've noticed that writing this blog is the only time I really think about what I'm doing or saying. I'm beginning to think that this self-improvement thing might be a little harder than I thought.

So I got to thinking about this snag in my progress and came to the conclusion that I started this project with a goal but with no plan. As with many ventures, you get out what you put in. So the time invested each day to improvement and discovery must become a priority and a daily part of my routine. Scheduling a "reflection time" each day helps me to solidify the idea of exploration into more of a task which, for me, makes it much more manageable. Now that the abstract idea of my personal journey has become a more concrete action, I can pencil it in to my agenda just like all the other daily activities of living.

The second inhibiting factor to my progress is my lack of focus and direction. To overcome this I created a to do/goals list/inspiration board that can provide a visual representation of my path and progress.My apartment came with a boring cork board on the kitchen door so I decided to bring new life to this unused area. I apologize for the bad "before" shot, I originally intended for the picture to show the new window art I had crafted.

I don't know why I haven't tried an organized approach to my obsession with making lists before. I decided to go with a post-it-note approach to make it easy to work on and update as tasks are completed or as new inspiration surfaces. With the existing board as the template, I wanted to do a few simple things to jazz it up a bit.

I purchased half a yard of fabric and with loads of help from my doating assistant Frank got it cut to fit and and glued it to the board. Cut and decorated some construction paper I already had, added the post it notes and viola! Ill admit its a work in progress and not Pinterest worthy yet but its going to help with with my goals so that's all that matters. For now the board is sort of blank so I added the picture but I'm sure with time Ill pin all kinds of juicy things up there.

Work sucks, I know

sorry its been so long since I last updated, this week I started my new job. I cant help but feeling that there is something wrong with my decision. I know I've talked before about my hesitation to accept this position. But now not only am I questioning the decision to stick with nursing in general but also that I may have chosen a less than desirable unit to work on. On day one of orientation we were each asked to stand, say our name and what unit we would be working on. With about 30 new nurses starting for the whole hospital in the room, 7 of us were headed for the same floor. Now I know there is somewhat of a nursing shortage but that's unheard of! On day two I received even more disturbing news, 7 were hired but 14 open positions actually existed. I quickly asked the informant why so many nurses were needed, her answer was short and sweet "high turnover" she said. When I attempted to probe further as to WHY there was such a high turnover she simply stated that there were "many reasons". I'm trying desperately to turn over a new leaf, stay positive about my choices and  go where life takes me but its very hard not to second guess. The hospital orients for 8 days in a skills lab and then sends us to the actual unit. So first hand I have not been able to make any observations. For now I am left to rack my brain wondering why things could be so bad that 14 Rn's want to leave their job. 

After reading this I know I will be disappointed in myself for worrying and wondering instead of just going in with an open mind.  Maybe I'm over-thinking things, maybe there's nothing wrong with the unit, maybe everyone left to pursue their education, maybe those 14 people were horrible workers, maybe they were involved in an underground drug smuggling operation (ok that's probably a little far fetched). I just hope that everything turns out good in the end. Even if it doesn't all turn out fine, everything happens for a reason, right?

What's mine is yours

Earlier this week I discovered TED Talks (yea I know I'm like a million light years behind), for those of you who haven't heard of it please go check it out, you wont be disappointed.

I decided to watch my first Talk: Rachel Botsman: The currency of the new economy is trust. In this 19 minute speech she discusses her image of the developing consumer marketplace. A marketplace fueled by what she calls Collaborative Consumption. The overhaul of the consumer landscape is due to the boom of internet sharing websites (Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Pinterest). This has paved the way to build beyond social networking and into the new realm of Service Networking. Service Networking simply means using online resources to get things done in the real world. This frontier is full of new start-ups that have been thriving on this phenomenon of sharing. An example: Lets say I need a car twice a week to get to an office on the other side of town. Using the traditional model I would go buy a car and use it twice a week. Now enter in the Collaborative Consumption model and you find a platform like Zipcar. Lets say Karen posts her car as available for rent except on weekends. I can now rent her car on two days of the week because she doesn't need it. Peer-to-peer trading platforms have redefined how we consume and who the buyers/sellers are. The idea has far reaching possibilities that allow us to open our doors to market places we didn't even know existed prior to the Sharing Boom. In this time of economic hardship this new launch of business will put money in the people's pocket's and at the same time forever transform how we live.

The second part of her TED Talk focuses on trust. Without trust there would be no successful internet platforms that enable people to share. Ebay is the great example, they use paypal to generate trust. There is a guarantee that you will receive the product you pay for or visa-verse you will get the money for your product. On many of the websites that involve money, there is a third party involved to make sure everyone gets what they are due. However many platforms don't deal with the money themselves so how do you develop trust. Botsman's example is the start-up Taskrabbit. On Taskrabbit you can post an errand or task that you don't have time or don't want to do (laundry, grocery,cleaning or assembling IKEA furniture haha). Then people bid to do your task and you choose someone to complete your errand. Reputation is key for this and many other sites. As people bid you can see their profile which has ratings and  comments/reviews from previous users that either had a positive or negative experience with that person. This allows you to know that "Bob" the guys who has bid to walk your dog every morning is a reliable and trustworthy person.

To me this concept of internet built trust and the new marketplaces available though the internet age is fascinating. I decided to pick up a copy of Rachel Botsman's and Roo Roger's book "What's Mine is Yours: the Rise of Collaborative Consumption". I'm very excited to see what I can learn from this insightful book on the future of goods and services. 

What was I thinking?

Ive been thinking a lot about a career change. As a junior in high school I chose Physicians Assistant as my future occupation. I did this because I wanted a career that was stable where I'd never have to worry about not getting a job or not having enough money.  To achieve this I would pursue an undergraduate degree in Nursing, work for awhile to gain some experience and then apply for PA graduate school. I think this life plan was a mistake. At the time I understood very little about what it meant to work a full time job. I didn't understand that I would be spending most of my time over the next 30-40 years working in whatever occupation I had chosen so I really gave no though as to if I would enjoy life as an RN or PA.

Once I had explained my plans to my family, they were so proud of me. They responded with comments like "you made a great decision, I cant think of a better profession", "you will always be marketable in the work field" or "your future is looking so bright, we have high expectations for you" and so on. Because I had such support in my decision to become a nurse, I never gave much thought to my other options. So all through college I stayed on track and graduated with my Bachelors of Science in Nursing. I remember having doubts about nursing during my classes and even after graduation but at the time I attributed it to jitters and nervousness. After graduation I landed a job and worked for almost a year,with minimal satisfaction, until my decision to leave Kansas. I have reluctantly accepted a nursing position here in my new home (I'll try not to complain to much). This time it will be different, I will try approach this position in the most positive light. Second, I'll be taking the initiative this time to keep looking for other career possibilities for my future.

One word of advise: Don't listen to anyone but yourself when it comes to your career choice. If you have made a decision that doesn't feel right anymore, change it. Do what you want to do, and have a profession that makes you happy.

Trying to Improve

Yesterday I took the VIA Character Strengths Test in order to help me assess my highest and lowest ranked traits. Yesterday's post focused on the good news, my strengths, today's will focus on the traits that need to be worked on. In italics I have added in my suggestions on how to improve in my weakest areas, with hard work and perseverance, I know I can:

1. Spirituality: You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you. I am in no way a religious or spiritual person and I definitely have no idea where I fit into the larger scheme. Meditation/self-reflection would be my way of enriching my beliefs. Self-reflection is part of my over all goal with this site, so I think my purpose will come as long as I take the time each day to post or write about things that bring self improvement or about things I find interesting.
2.  Hope
   You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control. This survey is very good... I feel lost in my life, and have developed quite the pessimistic attitude toward both the present and the future. My thought process is this: if I don't like how things have turned out so far, then who's to say that in the future I wont feel the same or make the same mistakes. This site is helping, I am taking a step in the right direction and examining my life! Finding my interests and spending more of my life following those goals will lead to a more aligned existence with a bright outlook on the future.
3.  Bravery
   You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions. This is the opposite of my strengths (judgment and prudence). Because I am so analytical I over think every situation and its potential outcome. I have no spontaneity or courage to just go for something I want to do because I talk myself out of it by saying its not the "smart choice". I need to grow a backbone, do what I want, say what I want and BE WHO I WANT!
4.  Zest
   Regardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure. From the bottom of my heart I wish this were true. On the outside I give the impression that I'm giving 100% but lets face it I find little enjoyment in how Ive been living. Because I'm not really living, I go day to day completing the same mundane tasks. Breaking the routine and approaching life in a positive light will foster excitement. With a little bravery and hope added to shake things up a bit, I'm going to try to expand my horizons, try new things and be optimistic.
5.  Love of learning
   You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn. This used to be one of my strengths when I was younger, always curious about the possibilities for the future. But lately that area of myself has grown dark, I think this is because I haven't been learning the right things. I am a recent graduate into a medical profession, so for the last several years it was very straightforward what I should be learning. That kind of structure did not help me grow, it pinholed my time and energy into learning about subjects that frankly don't think I give a damn about! I have to look for my interests and discover where my heart truly lies, then I will find subjects that I find fascinating and will again have my love for learning

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Character Strengths

Today I decided to look a little deeper into my character, character, define by webster, is the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person. These traits are what drive our thoughts and actions. Forming lifestyle and profession choice around personal strengths increaces the potential for happiness and success.
I find self-observation hard at times because instead of being objective, I often over analyze aspects of myself and end up with skewed results. So I used the handy VIA Character Strengths Test to help me assess my own personal strengths. I have listed below my highest ranking traits, the test's definition of each strength and my own notes on each in italics. I will also create another post to address my lowest ranked traits. It's a long test, about 240 questions, so takes a little time but I found it to be very thorough and the results it gave were quite insightful.

My highest ranking character strengths according to VIA:

1. Judgment: Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind. This is truly me in a nutshell, I think and think and think about everything, weighing pros and cons before every decision. I'm glad this is one of my strengths, it was kept me out of trouble and safe for a long time. It has helped be very successful in many aspects of life because I am able to analyze and think critically about the potential outcomes.
2.  Perseverance: You work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks. I enjoy when a task has been completed, there's a satisfaction in being able to say "I did that".
3. Honesty: You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person. There are two parts to this definition: one is me and one I'm working on. In terms of outward expression I believe that I am an honest person. I tell people the truth (sometimes sugar coated) whenever approached, I talk to people in a "no frills" way and give them well-grounded, realistic answers. However, I do not think I am very honest with myself. I don't feel as though I am "living in a genuine and authentic way", historically the choices I have made are not true to myself, they are analyzed choices that I thought would make others happy. I am actively working on becoming more true to myself.
4. Prudence:You are a careful person, and your choices are consistently prudent ones. You do not say or do things that you might later regret. I believe that this strength is linked closely to my #1 Judgment. My cautious choices come after heavy thinking. This does however lead to a lack of spontaneity.
5.  Leadership: You excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen. Many times in my life I have assumed the leadership role, it is a stressful but very enjoyable one. I get excited by leadership because many of my thoughts/opinions are able to be voiced while still learning from the group. As stated in #3, I am very task oriented and as the leader of an operation I am able to oversee the project and ensure it gets completed in accordance with my high standards. 

With my objective to explore live and discover my purpose, character strengths should act as a guide and compass to lead me into endeavors that I will find enjoyable and fulfilling.

Anger

I have noticed myself flying off the handle over small and insignificant issues lately. Unfortunately it seems more often than not instead of letting a problem roll of my shoulders, I fuss and smolder over it. My reactions are often childish and I don't like how I have handled many issues in the past so I must find steps to help me change them in the future.

Here's an example, recently I moved 16 hours away from home to what I would call a big city. This is the first time I have ever lived outside of my midsized Midwest hometown. My boyfriend and I were out exploring our new surrounding. We parked the car and went to have dinner. After a fantastic meal and a wonderful evening, we returned to the car and BAM there it was shoved under my wiper-blade.

I was furious and immediately snapped off " you were the one driving, why didn't you pay attention to the fact that this was a pay lot!?!" It was wrong to go off like that, I know. But it just happened. There are many subconscious thoughts and emotions that anger can stem from. The one that most often fuels my fire is my worry that I will be blamed. Because I'm questioning so many aspects of my life these days I already feel super insecure and so for me it's easier to divert the fault onto something or someone else so that the finger cant be pointed at me. So today I'm examining ways to deal with future situations that tick me off:

1. As cliche as it sounds, take the time to count to three before I say anything. This will give me time to evaluate and think of a response rather than just spewing my initial reaction. 
2. Stop trying to control everything (this is a big one for me). Don't let things you cant change linger in your thoughts. I got the parking ticket and there is nothing I can do about it now. So quit your bitchin!
3. Remember that in the scheme of things whatever is going on probably isn't that big of a deal. My life isn't over and I'm not going bankrupt because of one silly ticket. 
4. Here's the kicker, use the event to learn and grow. I know now, as well I should of before, that I live in a big city, nothing is free, not even parking.. In the future I will try to be more observant and then maybe I'll notice the sign that says $5 PARKING. 

So my advise to myself is to take a chill pill and try, really try, to take these steps and implement them into life. It will make thing much better.  

Living the examined life

Socrates, often referred to as the father of Western Philosophy, once said that "the unexamined life is not worth living." Well what in the world is an "examined life" and how can an idea created before 400BC be relevant to a modern day twenty-something girl in search of her own voice and purpose? I have found the answer to that question is simple. I cant sit around waiting for happiness to fall into my lap! Instead I must look hard, dig deep and hunt for what it means to be myself!

As a child we start as raw dough, we are unique individuals and have few inhibitions. As we age, external pressures stretch, pull, fold and wrap us into nice and tidy bundles that fit perfectly into society's mold of who we are "supposed" to be.

At this point in my life I feel as though my true self is buried under what I thought I should be and what I thought others wanted me to be. So I have decided to go looking for myself by trying to live the examined life. It will be hard to become more self aware but to start I must determine my true interests, thoughts and values. This site will serve as my anonymous platform where I can post or write about anything I find intriguing and hopefully with a lot of elbow grease and time, I will be able to discover my passions and learn to live life as I want it to be.